Are You Mature?

Maturity Is A Process, Are You Maturing?

The goal of maturity is to go from a very dependent baby into a full grown adult. We usually think of maturity with the idea of going from “dependent” to “independent”. But this is not maturity. We were not meant to be totally independent. Rather we are to be an adult that lives in community with other adults in an inner-dependence. We are social beings and maturity is more about living “socially” and ‘emotionally” with others that it is about being independent. Now granted much of maturity is learning to take care of our self. It is about accepting responsibility and fulfilling our obligations. In that respect we are independent. No one can be mature for us. We need to be responsible. But as social beings, maturity is more about relationships and handling the day to day struggle with life’s pressures and emotions. In this respect, we go from being a child that handles people, pressure, and emotions immaturely to an adult that deals with this very differently.

Maturity Needs

As a child, we have needs at different stages of development. If these needs are met, then we move on to maturity. If they are not met, then we struggle with maturity and growing into adulthood. Rate your level of need fulfillment on each one below on a scale 1-5. (1 being low fulfillment, 5 very true for me)

As a child…

We need to have safety and security with those we trust and love                                                 1   2   3   4   5

We need to know that love is constant, unconditional and always there no matter what                 1   2   3   4   5

We need to know that we are loved, special, valued and unique                                                   1   2   3   4   5

We need to have the capacity to return to a peace and joy from painful emotions                          1   2   3   4   5

We need to know that we belong and are connected to others in a special way                              1   2   3   4   5

We need to be loved for who we are without having to perform                                                   1   2   3   4   5

We need a bond with our creator and life in His Spirit                                                                              1   2   3   4   5

We need a purpose, meaning and freedom to use our strengths for good                                       1   2   3   4   5

We need to know that it is NEVER too late to have loving, nurturing relationships                            1   2   3   4   5

How do you see yourself? Rate yourself as a mature adult?

Handling my emotions (very immature) 1….2….3….4….5….6….7….8….9….10 (very mature)

Fulfilling my responsibilities (very immature) 1….2….3….4….5….6….7….8….9….10 (very mature)

Living with relationships (very immature) 1….2….3….4….5….6….7….8….9….10 (very mature)

Being healthily assertive (very immature) 1….2….3….4….5….6….7….8….9….10 (very mature)

Saying “No” to unhealthy boundaries (very immature) 1….2….3….4….5….6….7….8….9….10 (very mature)

Being intimidated by others (very immature) 1….2….3….4….5….6….7….8….9….10 (very mature)

Handling pressure to people please (very immature) 1….2….3….4….5….6….7….8….9….10 (very mature)

Delaying gratification (very immature) 1….2….3….4….5….6….7….8….9….10 (very mature)

Immature Beliefs

Immaturity is being locked into childhood interpretations of traumatic events. These interpretations are distortions of reality. They are lies and half-truths, negative and defeating beliefs about life, relationships, our own self, and God. These distortions affect our worldview and predictions about outcomes stunting our ability be mature in situations. These distortions need to be challenged and dwelt with over time. Look over the following list of negative beliefs and check off the ones you struggle with.

Negative Beliefs

___ Others must approve of me or else I am bad
___ I am inferior person
___ I must please others to be liked
___ I am bad if I speak my mind and disagree
___ My opinions are not as important as others
___ I must not question authority
___ I must get permission from others
___ I cannot fail or else I am no good
___ My feelings are not important
___ I will never succeed
___ I must do what I am told
___ If I disagree, I am wrong
___ I cannot do it by myself
___ I am not capable to manage on my own
___ Feeling aren’t important
___ I will never be good enough
___ It is bad to be average
___ I must be liked
___ Other people’s opinions are more important
___ I must not fail
___ I must hide my mistakes
___ They have no weaknesses
___ Things are easy for others
___ My beliefs aren’t as important as yours
___ I’m the only one that feels this way
___ They know everything
___ Others are not as afraid, mad or sad
___ I must be nice to everyone
___ I must stay in control
___ If I do something wrong, I will be abandoned
___ God says I must obey everyone
___ Christians do not question authority
___ God disapproves of me when I fail
___ Christians do not get mad
___ I can’t disagree with leaders
___ I cannot choose my own values
___ It is a disgrace to lose
___ If I disagree I will be banished
___ If people knew the real me they would reject me
___ Conflict is dangerous for me
___ If I please others, I will be liked
___ I cannot say what is on my mind
___ If I get angry I will lose control
___ If I do what they say, I will not be rejected
___ I must do it myself
___ I cannot trust others to do what they say
___ Others will only let me down
___ I will only let others down

If we summarize the above negative beliefs we will come up with key symptoms of immaturity. Look over this list of key symptoms and check off the ones you struggle with

___ Fear of failure
___ Feeling inferior to other adults
___ Need to please others
___ Fear of abandonment and rejection
___ Inordinate guilt
___ Anxiety
___ Feelings of being broken and shameful
___ Fear of expressing myself
___ Fear of God
___ Over competitive

These negative beliefs can result in immature behavior and attitudes.
Look at the symptoms and rate your level of struggle on a scale 1-5.
(1= little struggle, 5 Having a very difficult time with it). Check off the ones that are a 4 or 5.

___ Judgmental 1 2 3 4 5
___ Defensive 1 2 3 4 5
___ Passive/aggressive 1 2 3 4 5
___ Standoffish/withdrawn 1 2 3 4 5
___ Self-absorbed 1 2 3 4 5
___ Right/wrong thinking 1 2 3 4 5
___ Clingy 1 2 3 4 5
___ Dependent 1 2 3 4 5

In order to overcome immaturity, you will need to re-parent yourself. You will need to have others who are mature, love you, mentor you and help with the re-parenting process. Maturity is a process and it is never too late to begin it.

Taken from Ron Ovitt’s class, Emotional Resilience, Living with the Fruit of the Spirit


What Do You Want To Change?

WHAT IS YOUR GOAL? What do you want to change?
It is surprising how many people try to change a habit and never stop to think about the goal they are setting before them. Let’s see if we can zero in on what you want to change.

1. Be specific – What is the actual Habit you want to add or take away?

Many times, our goal is too general, for instance, “I want to be healthy.” Okay, what does that mean? What habits does that effect? Exercise, eating, sleeping, reducing stress or nutrition? Be specific and write down your goal.

2. What reasons do you want to drop this habit or start a new one?
This is key. It will help you when the going gets tough. Write down why you want to pursue this goal. What are the rewards you will get from it?

3. Be realistic – How difficult will it be?
Is this your first time? Have you tried before and relapsed? Either way, as you think of this habit you are going to break or new one you are going to add–rate the difficulty on a scale 1-5 (1 = should be a snap, 5 It will be a very difficult challenge).
Circle the level of difficulty 1…2…3…4…5

Do you need to start with a mini-goal?
A mini-goal can help you get going. Here is my rule of thumb. If you are stopping a habit, jump all in! It is difficult to wean yourself from a habit. If you drag it out over an extended* period, it only continues the habit longer and keeps the craving coming. Your habit may be the exception, but most people are better off going cold turkey.

*If you want to progressively wean yourself, then go into it with a schedule and stick to it. Don’t fool yourself.

Where a mini-goal really works is when you are adding a new habit.
When I first started running, my goal was to eventually run 3-4 miles a day. However, I started with a ½ mile on the first day (after all, how far do you need to run to be a runner?). In my mind, the first ½ mile qualified me. So, I began! The first few days, I ran ¼ mile–sat down, and then ran back a ¼ mile! I got stronger every day and since that humble beginning, I have logged over 20,000 miles, either running or walking!

What is the goal you want to add? Start off with small, achievable increments, then increase until you get to your goal.

Here are some of the ways I approached my habits
Running – Started with a mini goal and worked up
Lifting weights – mini-goal – light weight, low reps, built my way up.
Quit caffeine – Cold turkey
Quit sugar and carbs- Cold turkey
Quit biting nails – Cold turkey
Daily devotions – Mini-goal, read one chapter of the Bible a day, worked my way up

What is your goal? What would be a great starting mini-goal?

How long will you give yourself to get up to your goal? _______________________________

4. PreLive it.
PreLive™ is an exercise where we imagine accomplishing the task at hand. We use all our senses. We visualize it, hear it, taste it, feel it, touch it. Whatever senses we can incorporate–we use them to create a vivid and realistic vision of accomplishing the goal.

STOP! Take 3 minutes and visualize yourself accomplishing your goal. See it, feel it.
Feel the excitement and satisfaction of accomplishing it!

Why Do Most Attempts At Change Fail?


Relapse is when a person who has stopped or started a behavior lapses back into their old ways. A person who has been sober suddenly is using again. A person who has been losing weight is binge eating again. A person who bought a health club membership quits going. They have relapsed back into old behavior.  Relapse is a serious problem with habits and cravings. People quit a program thinking that is the end of their problem only to find out that within months they are using all over again. In fact, many people find themselves relapsing several times (some many more times) before they are able to maintain their new lifestyle. Does this mean you don’t have a chance? No! We believe you can go through this program and maintain your habit changes. Part of that reason is that we take relapse seriously. That is why we are talking about it right in the beginning. As we have done research here are some of the reasons that people fail at changing habits.

People fail in programs because…

  1. They commit to a program not a way of life. They looked at habit change as an event, a destination instead of a journey

Change is not a magic formula. It is changing a way of life. It is a routine, a paradigm shift, an attitude adjustment. There are ways of changing things by using desperate measures and gritting it out with pure willpower. But how long does that last? Instead, we are teaching principles for living. Not techniques but disciplines that will serve you well throughout the rest of your life. Programs are good but what happens when the structure is gone? There needs to be a change in the way we see things. In what we believe.

  1. They don’t change their environment

There are too many triggers that have not been changed. The proximity of those triggers were also too convenient. Friends did not help either. They often coaxed the person into doing their habit again.  If we are going to succeed, then we need to work on our environment. The who and what, the people, places and things of our habit.

  1. They don’t like the discomfort of change

This is often because they have taken on too large of a habit. We mean well but starting with a large objective can become or own worst enemy. It is better to start a habit with something that you can do and build from there.

  1. It’s their normal and hard to do live any other reality

Many habits are birthed and sustained in a person’s normal lifestyle. Now it may be far from what should be normal (A person who living high everyday) but it’s their normal. It feels right. Change is needed but moving from their normal feels like jumping from a plane. Soon they find themselves back in the comfort zone.

  1. There is some emotional reason in staying where they are.

Fear is a strong motivator. Many of us are fear or shame based. When you are that way, the last thing you want is another test. You don’t want to fail. You have worked hard at being acceptable, a success at what you do. (At least not worse than you already are) We think, “We are as good as we are going to get.” This is a “fixed” mindset, and the thought of trying something and failing is frightening. Instead we need to develop a “change” mindset. One that says, “I have all sorts of potential. Learning and trying different things is fun. I do not have to be perfect. It is okay to grow and mature. There are no failures, just learning opportunities.”

  1. They have unrealistic expectations

We want a magic pill, an easy answer, an instant solution. When it doesn’t happen we get discouraged and quit. The truth is that habits are stubborn and are not going to give up that easily. Some changes will happen quickly but most take time and discipline. It will take time to make lasting changes.

  1. They chose to change a habit on an impulse, no preplanning

Good intentions are not enough. In order to succeed you need a plan. There is a lot involved in changing habits and there is no need to rush into failure. Instead, we want to set a date and prepare for lasting change.

  1. They do not have an accountability partner, coach or group

Changing habits is not a single player mode. It is too easy to fail by our self. Things are the way they are for reasons and in order to succeed you will need to have a team to support, encourage and challenge you.

  1. They worked out of guilt or fear not positive optimism

When it comes to changing a habit it is also better to run TO something instead of running FROM something. Optimism is key in keeping the patience and endurance you will need to make change happen. Here again, we must fight the temptation to have a fixed mindset that says, “It must come easily to me. I must succeed.” When we think that way and failure comes all that is left is guilt, fear, and pessimism. Instead, we need a “Change” mindset that says “growth and process” are the norm. Be your own detective, your own scientist as well as the subject and enjoy the journey of discovery as you become all that you were meant to be.

  1. They did not go deep enough

Some programs just work on behavior. Others on people, places, and things. Often that is not deep enough? It will not produce lasting change. If change is to be lasting then we need to help change our emotions, attitudes, beliefs, lifestyle, and environment behind the behavior.

  1. They did not work on emotional lies behind triggers

There is a difference between a simple trigger and a craving. A trigger is to a craving like anxiety is to a phobia. It is much more intense and comes from a different place. Often what is triggering us comes from sensations that are similar to those left behind from our implicit memories of childhood trauma. The self-beliefs associated with those memories had severe consequences. To be unlovable means you will be abandoned if you don’t behave and being abandoned to a child is a death sentence. It is a scary consequence of being unlovable. So when a sensation that is similar to that event triggers in us that we are unlovable, we go into a habit that is sure to make us feel better, give us relief or help us escape the emotional pain. It is true that we engage in many of our habits in order to regulate our emotions.

  1. They did not include spiritual treatment as part of our recovery

Many people do not succeed in their habit change because they have not taken advantage of the spiritual resources available to them. This is much more than acknowledging that there is a Higher Power. It is having a relationship with God. Spirituality provides the hope and resilience needed when it comes to making a change. A relationship with God is foundational to making the kind of changes we want. Think about it. Who better to help you with change than the one who designed and created you? That is why, along with sharing the latest in change science, we will be having you go through Spiritual exercises in order to draw upon all the Spiritual resources of change that God provides.

When you consider the list that we have just discussed do any of them resonate with you. How have you done in the past with changing habits? Have you experienced relapse in some of the changes you have made? Have you lived with the yo-yo effect where you succeed at a habit change, fall back to old routines and then rebound again, over and over? Be your own detective. As you consider the list above, why do you think this happened to you?